I have been ignoring both LJ and Twitter lately, but that's only because I'm trying to get into the routine of working again, while trying to keep the normal routine of a stupidly Long Distance Relationship. And to be honest, it's really taking it's toll on me. Trying to exist in 2 different time zones wasn't exactly easy when I wasn't working, but now....BLOODY HELL...I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up in some kind of institution.
   Work isn't too bad, especially now that the store has actually opened and the franchise manager has gone (I wasn't the only one who thought he was an ignorant tosser). We have been open for 2 days and I already feel quite comfortable with certain aspects of the job. Today I was informed that all the staff will be getting trained in testing, which is good news as I feel that could possibly open up a few doors for me later down the line. 
   So what with things changing here, there's a lot going on Stateside too. Michael will be starting a new job and moving to his new apartment in 2 weeks. He's already feeling a bit stressed about it all, and saying that he feels as if his whole life is changing. I'm just wondering if it's for the better? Unfortunately, before all of this starts, he's going down to Virginia for a week or so to help his younger brother move, who is going through a divorce. It's quite worrying as all 3 of them have been divorced....just hoping that's it and that there are no more in the future!! Also, with all this going on, it makes it hard to sort out a date for my pending visit. It would be nice to know soon, as I really need to let work know, otherwise I might not get the time off. Dunno what I'll do if they say no..... could end up losing my job!!

Enough now....apart from this, which made me smile...

Well, I'm trying to think of anything interesting to update about, but I think most of it will about Xbox, and I know it's not everyone's "thing" but I'm going to talk about it anyway.

First off, Gears 2 is so close I can almost smell it (and it smells like burnt Locust flesh, for those who want to know). And with all the free downloads on Marketplace, it's getting me more and more worked up. I very nearly cried last night, watching all the videos, at the beauty of it all. And that's not even on a HD TV!! It looks absolutely amazing, and I just know that  I will have to stop at random points in the game, just to take in the environments. And then the new enemies......WOAH!!! I can just imagine all the yelling that's going to happen. This game is going to take over my life.
Then there's the New Xbox Experience (NEX) that's happening on November 19th. It got announced that there is a chance for people to sign up to a preveiw programme, which I was extremely tempted to sign up for. The only thing that stopped me from doing it, is that I don't want to risk having problems connecting to Michael and video chats. So I'm going to wait until it goes global......but I probably won't notice as I'll be totally involved in Gears 2.
Also, Tomb Raider: Underworld is released on November 21st. I really do want this game, as it does look great, but I'm wondering if it will be worth getting it on release day (or at least pre-ordering it), as I'm still not entirely sure how far into Gears 2 I'll be and it could possibly sit there gathering dust.
So. November is looking to be a busy month for Dixie, which can only be a good thing, as it gets me through that month and takes me closer to New Years Eve. I'm just hoping that the plans that have been put into place, go how I want them too. I have been promised a great New Years Eve.....let's just hope that the promise doesn't get broken, otherwise it could be a really shitty start to 2009.
But, just before November starts, we have Halloween to contend with. The actual day (October 31st) isn't something that I am really excited about, as it's just another year to add since my mum died. But Wednesday I'm doing something that I have never done before.....pumpkin carving with kittyvondanzig . Can you believe that were are both in our late 20's and neither one of us has ever carved a pumpkin? So, Wednesday is going to be a laugh. Not only am I spending time with one of my favourite people but also doing something new and exciting. I've had some carving tips thrown at me from Michael, and he should know what he's talking about, what with Halloween being massive in the US. I'm hoping that next year, I should be out there experiencing it "Yank style". Who knows?
But then it gets me thinking......straight after Halloween, we have Guy Fawkes Night, which I totally love. The sounds and smells of November 5th!! They don't have that as it is an English tradition.....I'm sure that I will miss it. It just reminds me of going up to Crystal Palace Park when I was younger for the display and Funfair. Does that still happen? Maybe I'll have to make a yearly pilgrimage back to England, just for Guy Fawkes Night!!
But anyway, I'd expect some possible crazy pumpkin type photos to appear on Thursday. I have a horrible feeling that my pumpkin is going to end up looking like a mess, but I won't care. I made it and that's something to be proud of, right?

Things with me and Michael have been good this week, even though a face from the past very nearly threw a spanner in the works, but it's all been sorted. We had a bit of a heart to heart about certain guys and girls that feature in our past, and certain situations that arose from them. But he's both surprised me and made me smile like a loon this week, with certain things that he's said. Some of those things scared me but still managed to make me smile......kinda hard to explain now, but maybe one day I will. But it makes me realise how much I want him in my life and the what I want from the future.

And don't forget, the clocks go back an hour tonight/tomorrow morning, which means for a week, it's only 4 hours difference between us and New York. I have a feeling that it could mess up my brain for a bit, as I have become accustomed to the 5 hours. Why the hell does the US have to change their clocks on different days to us? Surely being GMT should make us superior and the world should follow our lead? Well, I suppose I get an extra hour to sleep tonight and that can only be a good thing.

I'm off now to watch the Goonies, as I ordered a copy from Play.com and it turned up this morning. I'm such an 80's child!!!

Toodles
xx

9 months ago all this madness started but I wouldn't change any of it.
I know that it hasn't been the easy at times. In fact, sometimes it's been extremely difficult, but it all gets forgotten about when things are going well.
There was the 4 months of not knowing whether he was alive and wondering if he would ever contact me again. But then I got that e-mail and within a week or so, things had gone back to being the same as we left off. Maybe it was something that was meant to happen and even Michael has said that it took that time apart for him to realise how much he wanted me in his life. And within a couple of weeks of his return, we find ourselves in a Long Distance Relationship.
People will always question the whole thing and how could I fall in love someone that I haven't met? I used to ask myself the same thing all the time. But it's not like we don't know each other, we have spent enough time online chatting and in video chat to get to know each other really well. And as I have been a member of loversfaraway I know that I'm not alone in falling in love with someone I haven't met. It's got to be happening more often now, what with the internet taking over how we all communicate. We managed to have our "first date" on Monday night, where we watched the Giants play whilst chatting on Xbox. 
So, apart from the physical side of things, we know a lot about each other and get on like normal couples, with arguments and disagreements which I think is made harder because of the 3500 miles between us. And it doesn't help with the making up process. But we manage to get through it.
There are days when I feel like giving up as it all gets to much for me. I find myself getting jealous of couples that I see on the street and wish that I had that kind of relationship. But then, I wonder if this distance and time apart will make things a whole lot stronger when it comes to actually having a "normal" relationship.
I get frustrated with not being able to wake up next to him, but then the wonders of Xbox Vision has helped a lot with that. We end up falling asleep and waking up together. Which even though it's not quite the same, it's still nice to open my eyes and see him next to me. We had a break from it for a while and when we did go back to it, he woke up the other morning and said that he had missed waking up and hearing my voice. And that brings me on to what else can upset me about the whole LDR thing, the really simple things that we don't get to share and that maybe a lot of people take for granted. Like the other morning when he woke up and all I said was Good Morning....small things like that, that maybe other people don't realise are important.
And so, 9 months down the line, would I change any of it? The simple answer to that is No......this has all happened for a reason and it's something that I have had to get used to. And one day soon, all this worrying and frustation will feel a million miles away.
We found each other completely by chance, he is my One in 600,000.....out of all the people I could have been teamed up with on Halo 3, it was with Michael and we clicked straight away. Maybe it was fate that put us in the same team that day.....who knows?
All I know now is that I am so in love with him, it drives me crazy sometimes.
He's the sweetest guy and says things that I never thought a guy would ever say to me. He's funny and manages to make me laugh like an idiot. He has an addictive personality and we have become really good friends as well as boyfriend/girlfriend, and I put that down to the amount of talking we have done. It's come to the point where we can sit in silence and it doesn't feel uncomfortable. 
I wouldn't recommend a LDR to anyone, as it does have it's problems. But if you find the right person to have a LDR with, it can turn into something extremely special, which is what Michael and I have.


I LOVE YOU MICHAEL.
</lj>

I finally got my 360 back today, but that's only after my Vegas 2 disk cracked last night.
What is it with technology hating me at the moment? 
So I had to go out and buy another copy today as I really don't think I could have coped without it. But I am well chuffed that I have my 360 back, even though I am 90% sure that it's a completely different machine. It looks brand new and even the power button has that stiff, untouched feel about it. So, I'm not even sure if it's Dixie or not. Maybe that's why it didn't take as long as they said.

I've started a new project, which I am quite proud of. It's like a scrap book but on the massive cork board on my wall. It's more of a motivational thing, but it's being ruined by my dad and his lack of compassion for anything apart from himself. Once again the bullshit has started and it makes me feel as if this isn't my home, but just somewhere I am staying. I really try not to bite back, but he'll keep on at me for so long that I just end up losing it and shout back at him. It's like he's trying to destroy things that I am working for and it makes me feel as though I am wasting my time.
I wish it was easier to run away and just disappear from his life altogether. And it's why he isn't included in my plans......if things do go how I want them to.
I've been in such a good mood for the past few days, it feels like I could easily take on the world. But why does it take one person 5 minutes to fuck all that up? I'm hoping that when I get to talk to Michael later, he'll come up with something crazy to make me forget all about what's going on here. 

That's All Folks
x

I just have to share these videos of when Sarah, Scott and I went to Dizzys last week.
The cocktails did their job.....



It's great as to how much fun just one coffee bean can bring to a group of people.

So, another chapter has closed.
Forbidden Planet is no more.
I could sit here and rant about how fucked up that place is, and how I got screwed by them. But I just don’t care. I haven’t cared about for a while now. Ok, so there were some really good times (there are enough photos to prove it), but the crap times started to outweigh the good.  So what made me stay? The main reason was the staff. There are some really great people that work there and I’m glad that I met them. But there are always one or two people that manage to spoil things and this is the reason why I am glad that I am out of there. It started to get unbearable. I’m not the only person to witness this, but it will keep going on because nothing will ever get done about it. But that’s just the FP way……

And so now I have a lot to think about. The future and what I want to do with it.
Obviously I need a new job and I am tempted to take anything just so I have money coming in, then I can start on the bigger picture.
As Michael said yesterday, I don’t have any ties here anymore. Which is 99% true. I have nothing holding me back from what I really want to do. The only thing that would keep me here is Sarah. But even then, and I hate to admit this, it’s not a strong enough reason. The wonders of the internet and webcams, mean that the world is a smaller place. Communications wouldn’t be a problem. OK, so going out for a coffee could prove to be a bit difficult!!
And even though I do love my family, we’re not that close and so moving that far from them wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. And I am sure that it wouldn’t bother them either. In fact, I know that Ian would want to visit as much as he could, especially as he seems to have been bitten by the travel bug.

New York is the future I want.
Being with Michael in New York is the future I want.
And this is where I start thinking……is that what Michael really wants?
We have spoken a lot over the past week and things have been said that I have taken as a positive outlook. I can’t afford to go over there at the moment, even though I would love too. But the subject always seems to get changed whenever I mention about him coming over here. Or maybe it’s just me being paranoid?

I don’t stop thinking about him and it scares me that he has so much control over my life, even though he is so far away. I have totally given him my heart and he can do whatever he want with it. I’m hoping that he handles it with care and keeps it safe for me. But there will always be that thought…..he could crush it at any time.
We have spoken about marriage and living together. But I asked him something the other day that I never thought I would ask anyone. I asked him if he would be the father of my children. WHAT THE HELL? I have no idea where it came from or what made me ask. But I did and it scared me to death. The funny thing is, I meant it.
When have I ever wanted kids? Never…..not until now anyway. I am happy to give up everything my life has been based on, for the chance to have a family with the man that I love.
He’s my soul mate. The guy I am meant to spend the rest of my life with.

So, I have been suspended from work for a week now, and I think that the boredom is finally setting in. I have my disciplinary meeting on Tuesday at Head Office, which should be fun to find as I have never been there. I have kinda convinced myself that I am going to get fired, so at least it won't be such a shock when it does happen. If I do manage to keep my job....then I think that will be more of a shock. But it's also means that I win.
But that's not for another 4 days yet, so trying not to think about it too hard.

The great thing about being suspended is the fact that I don't have to go to bed at a reasonable time and can sit up on the 360 chatting with Michael.
I know I haven't really updated much about him, but I thought that I would test the waters first and see where all this could be heading before I started going on about how great he is.
A lot of people will say that I am crazy for giving him a second chance, after he disappeared for 4 months. But I can't help the way that I feel about him. And I know that if I hadn't have given him this chance, I would end up thinking "what if". And it could have possibly consumed my whole life. It's not that often that I get offered a second chance, which is why I am holding on to this with both hands and will not let go.
I know that there is a possibility that I could end up getting my heart broken again, but I've been through it with him before and know that I can get over it to (to a certain extent).

So where are we at?
We built up what we had before quite quickly and fell back into the old routine. Chatting and playing Halo a lot.....but there was still something missing. And that was actually having a face to face conversation.
Now, I know that people will be thinking "but how can you fall  in love with someone that you have never spoken to face to face?"
I can't explain that to anyone and I'm not going to even attempt it. It just happened. We both knew what the other looked like as photos had been exchanged.
We have had our XBox cams on, but never spoke face to face. Always messing around with them and showing each other random things in our rooms and out the window was a favourite.
I really didn't think that I could be in love him any more than I already was, but seeing him smile for the first time.....WOW! I fell a whole lot deeper.
But it frustrates me that we can see and hear each other, but no touching.
It's like looking at the really tasty looking donut through the shop window, but not being able to actually taste it.
So, even though I am completely in love with him and smiling like a fool, it's also a bit upsetting as there's a big amount of water between us. I have officially decided that the Atlantic Ocean sucks!!

So, while this suspension has been great and extra time off (and I get paid), it's also got me worried. I need this job, or at least money coming in. I have to stop spending my wages on crap that I don't really need and save for a plane ticket to New York. Well, saying that, the plane ticket is the easy bit. I think the first purchase I make with next months wages is re-newing my passport otherwise I won't be going anywhere.

So after 4 months of not hearing anything and convincing myself that he was dead (only because it was the easiest way to for me to justify the disappearance) and go through some kind of mourning process, I received an e-mail from Michael.

There I was on Thursday evening, after having a great day of me being in the best mood and a good session of Halo with the boys. I went to settle down to have big MSN chats. Go to check my e-mails as normal and there it was, staring at me straight in the face. I couldn't open it at first and sat there, not entirely sure whether I was just imagining it. I bit the bullet and opened it.....and that's when everything just came crashing down around me. The shock, relief, anger and possibly a few more thrown in there, hit me like I had just run, full pelt into the hardest brick wall EVER!!
Where the fuck had he been? Why the hell hadn't he been in contact? These and a lot more questions needed answering.

A few people that I have spoken to about this, have said that I should just tell him where to go and move on from it all. That he's an idiot and hurt me really bad. And a small minority have suggested listening to what he has to say and then make my mind up from there. 

And so, I am going to listen and give him a chance to redeem himself.
And even though I am angry at what he put me through, the relief outweighs that feeling tenfold. Knowing that he is still alive and out there. And the fact that he did contact me after all this time, means he must have thought about me somewhere down the line.
I am willing to give it a second chance (if it gets that far). I find myself thinking that if I don't, will I end up in a few years time thinking, well what if?
This is the guy that changed my opinions on things I had set my mind on. He was the guy that made me want to give up everything just to be with him. And he was the guy that I was convinced is my soul mate and the fact that we found each other (through Halo) is an opportunity I don't think I can let pass me by that easily.

Maybe things won't turn out the same. Maybe too much water has passed under that bridge. And if that is the case, then I can finally close that chapter for good.
Rebuilding bridges across the Atlantic won't be an easy task. And maybe even a task that will never be completed. We possibly need to go over some of the blue prints again and see where it takes us.
I'll never know unless I try . But what I do know, is that I still love him. And have never stopped loving him in all that 4 months we lost contact for. 

We have exchanged a few e-mails and he's waiting for a new XBox to be delivered. I have a horrible feeling that when I hear his voice again, there will possibly be a few tears.

Only time can tell on this one.....

I'm getting attention again from Terry who spent hours texting me the other day. Once again, he tells me that he loves me and that he misses me. Which is all very nice, but is it what I want? I am thinking......no! I've been there once before and got horribly burned. I don't think I shall be putting my hand back into the fire.

I had a moment the other day, when the past (not from that long ago) came up and bit me on the ass.
I was just sitting at the laptop, when a song started playing that I haven't heard since the beginning of the year. I had completely forgotten that I had put it on my MP3 player. And as I have it on shuffle, it's never been played.
It's the song that Michael sent me in his last e-mail. And it is a really nice song. But hearing it again the other day, well to put it bluntly, it made me cry. And there was me thinking that I was over him. It's funny how things aren't as simple as you thought they were.
I was actually disappointed in myself. I should be over it by now. He's not on my XBox friends list anymore and I have deleted all his e-mails. There are one or two things that I have on my phone, which haven't been a problem. I just can't believe that I actually cried about it all again. Not as hard as i make out to be.

Toodles
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